It’s no secret that self-confidence can have a direct effect on our lives, but did you know that feeling good about yourself can lead to better, more satisfying sex? And even more orgasms?

Multiple studies over the last 15-or-so years suggest that sexual dissatisfaction and even sexual dysfunction are related to a variety of cognitive distractions, which is a fancy term for stuff we dwell on when we should be focusing on something else. One such study, conducted in 2006 at the University of Nevada, found that women who reported higher levels of distraction during sex often also reported negative body image and overall sexual dissatisfaction. Coincidentally, men reported similar distractions, with negative body image and sexual dissatisfaction taking top billing.

This tells us that, while our plumbing and appearance are certainly different, men and women have at least one important thing in common – we aren’t super-hot on how we look and it could be getting in the way of having good sex!

So what can we do about it? Our self-esteem often is the result of years, even decades of social programming and isn’t something we can adjust and change with the flip of a switch. But there are some ways we can slowly undo all of those damaging thoughts and focus instead on treating ourselves with the same kind of love and respect we (hopefully) show our partners. Here are a few suggestions to get started:

1. Be Your Own BFF

How many times per day do you look in the mirror and find something to sneer at? Do you beeline for your thighs and call yourself a jiggle-monster? Do you check out your dick and chuckle at its size? Chances are there’s at least something that catches your eye and causes you to hurl an array of negative thoughts, feelings or blatant bad words at yourself.

Now think of your best friend. Imagine being a fly on his or her bedroom wall and watching the same scene go down. She calls herself a fat cow as she watches her reflection. He sneers with disgust as he flexes his bicep. What do you do? Our instinct might be to tell them to shut the fuck up, stop talking about themselves like that. We might even mention all of the beautiful, strong and hilarious things we love about them just for good measure.

So why not try that for yourself? When those negative feelings creep in and you’re choosing which insults to hurl at your reflection, ask yourself: “Would I let my bestie get away with that?” If the answer’s no, then it’s time to treat yourself the way you’d treat your BFF.

2. Focus on the Good

We all hate aspects of our physical selves and that’s a frank reality. Almost every body part is too fat/soft/small/whatever or too big/thick/straight/whatever and there’s nothing anyone can do to change your mind. So it’s time to bite the bullet and get over yourself.

What DO you like about yourself? (Ask a friend or a loved one if you’re feeling particularly critical.) You might think your lips are too thin or your hair is too frizzy, but have you noticed how soft your skin feels? You also might think your thighs touch too much or your arms are too skinny, but damn your ass looks good in yoga pants. Diffuse all that negative talk with reminders of the body parts and attributes that you’re proud of (and maybe even love!) and truly OWN them. The more you do it, the easier it gets – and you might feel a little better about yourself by the time you’re ready for your next bedroom encounter.

3. Get Real

This is the easiest tip because there’s literally nothing you need to do.

Your partner has eyes. Probably two of them. He or she uses those eyes to look at you and probably already noticed your big ass, knobby knees, crooked penis – whatever it is that you’re obsessing over. And there’s literally nothing you can do about it, save offering him or her a facemask or removing all light bulbs from the room. (Not recommended – safety hazard.)

Sex is raw, carnal and inelegant and there’s no amount of makeup, pillows, positions or dimmer switches that’ll prevent your partner from seeing you – all of you. That body part you hate didn’t send him or her running out the door and there’s a good chance that your partner might even grab it while you go at it. Because it’s HOT. He or she is there to do you and do you good, so get your head in the game and at least a little bit out of the self-loathing clouds so you can focus on the incredible mindful sex you’re about to have.

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Sex Outside the Box! – How to Revive a Boring Sex Life

Sex is great and we all love to do it, but sometimes we get stuck in a bedroom rut that no amount of hugging, kissing and humping can get us out of. Fortunately you’re not alone – it can be super-easy to fall into a routine that takes some of the spontaneous excitement out of our favorite intimate past time. So to take some of the pressure off; we’ve compiled a list of quick and easy tip to help freshen up your love life fast. And you can try some of them tonight!

1. Switch Positions
Certain sexual positions feel better than others and oftentimes we tend to stick with the ones that we’re most confident with. Whatever the reason – maybe we like the way our bodies look in doggy style or we know that missionary gives us guaranteed orgasms – doing it the same way over and over can simply leave us wanting more.

We’re not talking trying a pretzel-like yoga position or trying every page out of the Kama Sutra, but even adding a simple position that you don’t usually try can bring enough variety to your sex session to amp up the intimacy.

So think about your routine. Is it missionary, spooning, then finishing on top? Or starting on top and finishing doggy? (Or is it missionary all the way every day?) Change the pattern and incorporate something you typically skip – you never know what a little spontaneity might do for your (or your partner’s) excitement level!

2. Do It Someplace New
We all know that sex typically happens in bed. (We hear some people even sleep there, too!) But what would happen if you laid down a blanket on the bathroom floor or used your (clean) kitchen table as a stage?

There’s something intensely erotic about doing the deed in unconventional places, but that doesn’t mean you have to think TOO far outside of the box. Subtle changes like doing it in front of a mirror or propping yourself up against the kitchen counter can be enough to feel like you’re banging for the first time.

Different surfaces, different sights, different scents – almost every sense gets triggered and inspired when you’re having sex in a new part of the house, so no need to pump yourself up about getting it on in public. That can come later, once you’re a little more comfortable with the idea, but keep in mind that it’s not exactly legal. So don’t tell anyone we told you to try it. [wink wink]

3. Try a Sex Toy
Sex toys are incredible sexual enhancers that can stimulate parts of the body that fingers, hands and other body parts simply can’t. Sex toys are new territory for some people and may be a bit intimidating at first, but fortunately there’s a plethora of products made for couples to enjoy together that enhance the experience for both. (Sex toys can actually make it easier for men and women to have orgasms – sometimes for the very first time!)

Vibrating rings and vibrating erection rings (also known as cock rings) are great for helping prevent premature ejaculation and helping him last longer during sex. The vibrating motor stimulates her clitoris at the same time so she can get closer to orgasm while he stays nice and hard.

Mini vibes and massagers are perfect additions to certain sex positions where some clitoral vibration can help her reach orgasm. Finger vibes are easy to use and don’t get in the way, while wand massagers and bigger vibrators can be a little bulky but help get the job done with much more power.

And there are all kinds of more advanced sex toys you can test out, too, like feather ticklers, anal plugs and sexy bondage gear as seen in Fifty Shades of Grey. So start with some beginner-level toys and work your way up to the big leagues – the journey will be super-fun and super-sexy, plus you and your partner will build even stronger intimacy along the way!

4. Role Play
This is a classic tip, but sometimes roleplaying can feel a little overwhelming to those of us who might be a little shy. So start simple – don’t worry about costumes and don’t try to pretend you’re some flirty cocktail waitress or suave piano man picking up a “stranger” at the bar.

Start by testing out a different technique – maybe you’re usually passive and let your partner make most of the moves. Make your mindset, “I know what I want, and all I want is YOU” and give your partner a thrill. (Just make sure you two talk about the idea first so you’re both on the same page!) Take charge and see how it feels to be a tad dominant.

Or try spending a night together where intercourse isn’t an option. Like you’ve just met and want to save the official “deed” for a special night. This will let you both get creative with pleasuring each other in ways that often can be forgotten when you’re so focused on the final “goal.” Touching, caressing, licking, cuddling – enjoy each other like you’ve only been dating for a week or two and see what kind of spark you might re-ignite.

5. Laugh
We take sex SO SERIOUSLY sometimes, to the point of almost forgetting to have FUN. And there are all kinds of understandable reasons for it – pressure to please, pressure to perform, self-consciousness and insecurity. We’ve all felt at least one (if not all) of those at some point while naked with a partner. But if you both can remember (and communicate) that you’re in it together as a team, you’ll find the stress and anxiety melt away and possibly even replaced with comfort and closeness.

Believe it or not, there’s a good chance that your partner is feeling the same way you are, so once you share what’s on your mind, you can embark on an entirely new journey together. And if something gets bumped, pinched, knocked over or super messy, all you need to do is laugh together. Because it’s not the end of the world; these kinds of snafus and unexpected events often can help make your sexual experiences unique and special – nothing like that fake stuff you see in the movies!

Have suggestions not listed? Share your tips on how to revive a boring sex life!

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